Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.