I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no