I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
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Kids, do not try this at home!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
mmm onion ringos
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.