I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
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My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes