I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I finally found a reason to live again.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.