I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.