Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

I only treason on days ending in y

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Mission: Impossible