I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
God has left this place
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.