I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I need this for my side hustle.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
BRAKING NEWS!!
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I ain’t wearing no wire
