Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Wake me when AI does housework

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I like crazy people until they notice me

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Found the job I’m suited for