I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
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Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
no such thing as a dumb question
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.