I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
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Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?