I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
You Might Also Like
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?