When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
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“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Ape together strong
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
work smarter, not harder
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice