I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
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Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I never needed anything more in my life
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.