Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
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What is your dream car and why?
Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it
The problem with speaking the truth is..
..you assume others do too
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”
Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?
ME: hey can you spot me
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now