I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

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Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.


*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS


“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably


Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.


HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.


Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it


The problem with speaking the truth is..

..you assume others do too


I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.


Wife: “they’re disgusting, they carry diseases, they eat garbage!”

Me: are we talking about your parents, raccoons, or the kids?


ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now