I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
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Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
A man of commitment.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football