I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

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Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.


This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other


But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?


Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.


ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.


I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?


Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year


Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.


[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*