Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”