yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.