Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.