Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

*mops up wine with cat*

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.