Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

mom gave me mine for free

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.