I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
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it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
he’ll never suspect a thing
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.