I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually