Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.