I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now