I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
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I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
No chill.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what