I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
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Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait