I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it