I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.
You Might Also Like
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!