I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.