Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Dune (2021)

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?