Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

☠️

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

much to think about

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it