Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

Google assistant rules

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.