Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.