Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..