Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

i meant to share this earlier

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.