Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.