Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

I don’t understand what’s happening here.

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

very niche meme I made

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Brands during Pride