Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.