[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
the noise i just made
The first one, obviously
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.