I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
oh shit
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
what day is it?
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.