Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

😂

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”