I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Shortcut
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.