I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.