I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If you breakdance you buy dance.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.