Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back