Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?