Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top