I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.