I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
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Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
