I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
You Might Also Like
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
every olympics i turn into this guy
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
ibopfufen
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle