Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

How do you fix a broken condom?

Rubber cement.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

I’m the neighbor

biblically accurate fire hydrant