I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
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[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
