I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
? 💀
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
called in thicc to work this morning
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.