I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Customer is always right
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
True
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.