Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……