I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”