Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.