I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
first you must answer his riddles
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here