I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.