I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
When I play the kazoo, I play to win