I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.