I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
You Might Also Like
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
