Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.