I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
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Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream