I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight


*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*


Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.


If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.


“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”


I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.


pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate


Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.


It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.