I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
You Might Also Like
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
i think we should see other cousins