I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
Lmao
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
