I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
