I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
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No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?